Feeling: Thoughtful
Listening to: "Bother" by Stone Cold
Tasting: Green pepper

So I'm thinking about a friend's birthday this summer. She's going to be eighteen, and I'm thinking about how I have to give her a present that will represent the fact that she's an adult. And then, suddenly, I realize that my friend is going to be eighteen. That's a scary thought. It truly is. Because we're all growing up way too fast, and I don't like it. I want to be Peter Pan. I want to stay small forever.

You know how people are always wishing they were older? How children always whine to their parents that when they get older, they'll be able to decide when to go to sleep... what to eat... when to come home. And these freedoms are important, I guess. But I'm not ready to be confronted with adulthood. I'm not ready to be responsible for myself. I'm not ready to make my own decisions.

My parents' friends' have a son who's fifteen. He was always short for his age, and I guess that was part of what put him into the "younger" category. When our families got together, he would hang out with my younger sister, while I would hang out with his older sister. And it separated us into these age groups. He was the oldest in the 'younger' group, and I was the youngest in the 'older' group.

I don't consider him to be as young anymore. Our two 'groups' have merged somehow, and we're all equals now. And yet, I've always seen him as much younger than me, even though I'm just a year and a half older than him.

When I was at their house yesterday, I saw a letter on his shelf from Marlboro High School. And I realized suddenly that he's in high school. This guy that I've always considered to be a little kid is in high school. He's taken the PSATs. He'll be applying to college in two years, going to college in three. Another kid I know is going to high school next year. I can't picture that, because in my mind he'll forever remain the little kid that played with my sister.

I hate it. I keep telling people to stop growing up. I don't want to think about getting older. I want to stay young and naive and innocent. I don't want to make hard decisions. I don't want to go out into the big world and become independent. I want my mom and dad to always be there to give me vegetables and tell me to do my homework. I want my sister's friends to always remain little. I want to stay here, now, in this time of my life when the future's uncertain but the present is happy. I want to stay a teenager and deal with stupid teenage problems. I want to have my parents make the tough decisions while I look on and laugh at their ways of solving problems.

Peter Pan. Who ever said he had bad ideas?

Natalie