Feeling: Pensive
Listening to: Shut Your Mouth by Garbage
Tasting: Nothing


So we've decided to give up on the computer project. We've done a lot for it, and there's this one thing that we can't figure out, and we've given up. It's 2:41 in the morning now, and we're putting the finishing touches on our stuff (including a note to our teacher explaining our difficulties and what exactly doesn't work in the program).

It's kind of sad for me, because I think this is the first program this term that I've just given up on. I mean, there was the nightmare of the first project, where I didn't know what I was doing at all, but after that I really worked hard. And I can't say that I didn't work hard on this project, because I did, but I'm giving up even though the project isn't really finished, and it's sad. I remember the last project I was doing, I finished after 3 in the morning, long after my partner had said he was giving up. And so, at around 3:30 in the morning, I IM him, saying the project was done, and he thought I was joking. But it was done, more or less, and I remember being really proud. Because there's a sense of accomplishment that comes with finishing something long after everyone else, including you, has decided that there's no way in hell it's possible to finish it. And now, we're giving up. And I know that we worked incredibly hard on this, and I have a final tomorrow that I still have to study for, and there's really not very much we can do at this point, but it's still sad. Because this is my work, and I'm not used to putting my tail between my legs (is that the correct phrase) and just walking away from something that's unfinished. And all I can say is that I hope this is not a trend. I hope that this is the first and last time I'm going to do something like this. Because this feeling of not having accomplished something... I don't like it.

I guess I'm going to go to sleep now...

Wish me luck on my final!

Natalie

Feeling: I don't know, actually. Tired, I suppose. Hungry, maybe. Mostly tired.
Listening to: The hum of my computer. It's louder than usual.
Tasting: Cabbage

Take the Dessert Quiz

So, to reaffirm the fact that I'm not very exciting... I am a scone. Well, at least they're traditional and everyone still loves them. I'm okay with being traditional and loved. Who needs to be exciting anyway?

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: TV in the background.
Tasting: Nothing

You know, I hate that I whine so much whenever I post blogs. But on the other hand, reading my blogs is a completely voluntary activity, so I think that I have the right to whine as much as I want to. Those who don't want to listen to my whining don't have to read the blogs. Okay, it's settled. I feel better.

I should be doing stuff now, but, of course, I'm not. I'm finished with my "official" homework for the day, and I'm disregarding the other stuff I have to do, like psychology outlines and midyear school reports and financial aid forms and my Stony Brook application and studying for my math test. Instead, here I am, doing nothing.

And my parents keep telling me to look for scholarships... I'm really not enjoying this whole responsiblity stuff. It's just not fun. I want to be little and have my parents in charge of everything so I could have no worries larger than which game I should play or which book I should read.

But we grow up, and there's all this responsibility, and parents expect a lot more than they did before, and I'm not used to it. I want to be little again, and it's not helping that my birthday's on Thursday and that my parents keep reminding me that I have all these resposibilities. It also doesn't help that I got a bad grade on my psychology test-- second bad psychology test grade in a row-- and that makes me feel really bad. Bad and lazy, because I really have no one to blame but myself, and I know that it's completely my fault. Which doesn't help matters.

This stuff depresses me. I don't know what "stuff", exactly-- maybe it's the tests, or maybe it's the homework, or maybe it's the lack of sleep, or maybe it's the ton of sweaters that are lying on the back of this chair and are making my head really uncomfortable. I don't know. But whatever it is, I desperately need this term to be over.. Or, even better, for it to be mid-April, when I already know what colleges I've gotten into, and when it's just about time for spring break.

On the other hand, it's really sad that we always look forward to things that are going to happen later on. When was the last time anyone said "this moment in time is nice. I'm going to enjoy it."? No one. Everyone's always rushing, always looking forward, always waiting anxiously for the next day or next week or next month or next year, for that great party or for their tests to be over or for their birthday or their vacation or their raise or a certain movie to come out... and we've all pretty much stopped appreciating what's going on now. And it's sad, because life starts passing us by really quickly, and we don't notice it because we're always looking forward to the future, always looking forward to what will happen then and forgetting about what's happening now.

... And I think it's enough depressing reflective stuff for the day. I'll write later!

Please email.

Natalie

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: The hum of my computer
Tasting: Nothing

This is probably the first time in a while that I have opened up blogger without the intention of writing anything specific at all. I was just reading some Xangas of people from my school who probably don't even know I exist (ah, the power of the internet. Complete anonymity and finding out stuff about people that don't even know you all at once...). And I decided to write a blog of my own, for no particular reason.

I should be doing my English essay right now. Rough draft #2 is due tomorrow, and the final draft is due Tuesday, and this means that I really should get started on this soon. Like, now.

So I guess that's where I'm going to go now...

I hate that this entry is so short, though. It bothers me. I should probably talk about some other random meaningless thing, but I really don't have much to say. I mean, I do. I have this whole thing I want to talk about, how it's going to be my birthday on Thursday and I'm not happy about it, this whole reflection on time and maturity and getting older... but I don't feel that I'm in the mood for that right now. So I'm just going to go, and turn the TV off-- hopefully without anyone yelling at me-- and go do my homework.

Have I mentioned I hate school? I really don't want to go to school tomorrow...

And now I see what happens when you sign onto Blogger without a point. You actually end up having a blog without a point at all... and that's not good.

Anyway, I guess I'll post later when I have time-- and something to write about.

Email me!

Natalie

Feeling: Exasperated
Listening to: TV that my dad is watching in the background
Tasting: Nothing

I just realized that this is probably the first time I've heard the TV in the background while writing a blog, since this is probably one of the first times I've written here before midnight. Anyway, I've got pretty much nothing to say, except that I'm still doing college applications, and I'm really, really tired of them. And when I finish with that, I've still got financial aid stuff to do...

At least my term paper is done. I've finished it! And I handed it in, all printed (by my school pritner, of course, because my printer at home decided to fail me at 5:30 in the morning and not print) and stapled and with a bibliography and a title page and everything...

Um, excuse my excitement. It was only this Monday, but it seems like it was ages ago. But I'm done now, all 9 pages of it, and now we'll just have to see what I get on it.

9 days of school left. I counted. Then we've got finals and Regents week, of course, which only my school has decided to blend into one busy week so we don't have that wonderful week off like the rest of the schools get. But I still end up getting a couple of days off, and I think I really need them.

My birthday is coming up soon. Yay! It's not as exciting as it was last year, though, but still, some birthday excitement is being felt in slight forms. With my luck, I'll have a huge math test on that day, but still. Birthdays. Good. I think.

Except for that whole getting older thing, of course. But I figure I can buy myself a chocolate bar (it being my birthday, which will give me a semi-excuse to eat junk food) and feel a bit better. Maybe a Snickers. It's my candy of choice lately.

I need to remember to do a bunch of things that I've already forgotten to do. For tomorrow, I need to write a girl a birthday card, put a bottle of water in my bookbag, find my homeroom representative and give her a check for my senior dues (152 dollars!) and do something else that I've probably already forgotten. Oh, and try to wake up early, which I know in advance will not happen.

I've been really lazy these past few days. I came home yesterday pretty late (helping a friend work on her swing project with her partner-- for the Ballroom Dancing class I didn't get. Of course, it was mainly me bothering them with weird moves that I came up with, but whatever. I figure it's swing, and I should be compensated for my lack of a dance class. And so I bother her). Anyway, I came home late and proceeded to watch TV (Law & Order, which is really cool, and, once you get past the sight of dead bodies at the beginning, very addictive) until 9 o'clock, washed my hair until around 10:30, and only then started studying for my math quiz. Triple integrals and Jacobians... why does that sound more like witchcraft than math?

What else to ramble about... Oh, I went to work on the yearbook yesterday, and the guy that's in charge of Copy didn't come, which means I had nothing to do. I didn't mind because I got to leave earlier than I had expected, but I saw a bunch of people (well, two) updating their Xangas, which is kind of like Blogger except that apparently everyone in my school does it. The impression I've gotten is that it's an Asian thing, but I can definitely be wrong because I don't know much about it. And I can't exactly come up and ask someone that. So apparently the whole blogger idea has really spread. People love that. I think it's cool, too, except that I don't have enough interesting things to say to post here every day, which a lot of people do.

Oh, another completely irrelevant piece of news. I got nominated for an award by my gym teacher. Gym, of all things... some sort of national award thing that doesn't give you any money for it, but still, amusing. Gym. Award. Me.

Anyway, I'm going to go.

Please email me and tell me what you think. (Again, being polite.)

Natalie